![\"Signed,](\"http:\/\/jeezjosie.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/03\/signature.jpg\")
\nNote: Image is “dices” by (tijmen) from SXC.hu<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have twinges.
\n Twinges of guilt, twinges of fear, twinges of regret.
\n Twinges in my heart.
\n Not my metaphorical heart, my literal, physical heart.
\n I am too young to die.
\n But of course, that’s silly. People die every day – some are seconds old, some are over a century.
\n I have a friend from high school who is currently fighting inflammatory breast cancer (a really deadly iteration) and suffers complications from lupus. She is fighting<\/i> every day to live. She’s two months younger<\/b> than me.
\n So why do I feel like I am too young to die? Immune to the rigors of illness or dangers of the modern, chemical-filled world? Immortal and impervious?
\n Well, I don’t. I mean, logically I know I am not too young, immune, immortal or impervious.
\n Yet somehow, it doesn’t really seem possible. It doesn’t really seem…POSSIBLE<\/i>.
\n Still, once up a time, I spent 9 days in the hospital because an infection beneath my cracked molar would not go away and my face got so swollen and- ANYWAY, moving on. I had a terrible reaction to Depo-Provera (too lazy to double-check the spelling, sorry) and bled for four months straight. The doctor who finally saw me told me that I was a matter of days from being hospitalized over that (and death, there, too).
\n I have been close.
\n But I have not believed it really…really… true.
\n Some nights, I sit up for hours, listening to (and feeling) every beat of my heart – to make sure it keeps going.
\n Some nights, I take my pulse a thousand times because after hours of ‘feeling every thump’ suddenly I am not feeling it, and that freaks me out.
\n Some days, I drive Mark crazy by constantly worrying that I am about to drop dead.
\n Then I wonder if it isn’t just better to get it over with? Let it happen now, tonight, and then – if I survive – I can rebuild, I have the technology.
\n …after all of that, I still eat the Reese’s Easter Egg when presented with it. Because I am just stupid.
\n And convinced of my own immortality, even though I am not.
\n *sigh*
\n Twinges, man. I got twinges.<\/p>\n
\nNote: Image is “dices” by (tijmen) from SXC.hu<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have twinges. Twinges of guilt, twinges of fear, twinges of regret. Twinges in my heart. Not my metaphorical heart, my literal, physical heart. I am too young to die. But of course, that’s silly. People die… <\/p>\n