Belated Worry

      By the time you read this, we’ll (probably) know what the cause was, what the diagnosis is, what the treatment will be, and how it’ll affect our lives going forward.
      By the time you read this, the anxiety and stress will (probably) be forgotten as we deal with each new obstacle and rejoyce in the time we do have together.
      But right now, at about 1:45am on a Friday morning, I am scared and stressed and worried and I hate not knowing and I hate that I am worried about how to pay rent rather than how to get Mark well. How will we afford Blondie and how will we feed Venna? How will we cope if this is serious and it turns out he can’t drive (or hell, he can’t walk?)?
      The latest news I had – vaguely related by Mark and confirmed/clarified by his brother on Facebook a few minutes ago – said that they didn’t think it was a stroke. BUT, that it could be a clot in his brain so they’re putting him on an anti-coagulant again.
      Tuesday night, Mark called off work. He was feeling a bit wonky (lack of sleep and stress, I think) and called off work. He took Nyquil (at my insistence, poor guy hadn’t been sleeping well) and went to bed. I sat up to work as usual. I woke up at 5 am, he came downstairs and was fine. Made coffee, sat in his computer chair.
      Then he leaned back and went, “Whoa.” When he sat forward, he says it was like the room rushed forward to meet him, then kept going… Vertigo or dizziness. He swung around to tell me he was feeling weird and the room just spinning after he stopped moving.
      This lasted a minute or two, then he seemed to be okay until he went to stand up…and his left leg just collapsed under him. It wouldn’t support his weight anymore. He described it as…numb (though he can FEEL it and feel touches/pokes/pain). Like when you fall asleep on it and it feels heavy and “dead”, like it isn’t really your leg.
      We waited a bit. He seemed to improve. He also fell over once and nearly crushed poor (distraught!) Venna. He laughed and said, “I tried to call TIMBER on the way down, but it happened too fast.”
      I love that crazy SOB.
      Anyway – when our PCP opened a couple hours later, he made an appointment for 9:10am. This was at about 7:45am, I believe. I had been up since 1pm the previous day (with a short, 1 hour nap in the evening after Mark went to bed with the Nyquil). I dozed for about thirty minutes before we went to the doctor.
      Given his history, Amy Byler (lovely woman, btw) sent us to Hershey Med’s ER. The ER did tests… kept us sitting there for HOURS… They did a CT Scan, an EKG, tons of blood work, neurological exams. He seemed fine.
      But the had to be sure, of course, so they admitted him for the night. They scheduled an MRI and at that point, it was after 5pm, I was exhausted and terrified… I went home to cuddle our puppy and sleep before work.
      Lost an hour of work because I HAD to sleep, but I got about four hours between 7pm and 11:53pm. I ran downstairs, showered in record time, and logged in. I’ll eat that hour of vacation pay. No worries. But anyway – I worked that night (Thursday morning wee hours, really) and slept from about 8am until almost 2pm, at which time I got up, gathered Mark’s requested items, and flew back to Hershey.
      We sat up for hours waiting on the attending neurologist.
      I finally left at 7:15pm, after a beautiful prayer session by Jason and two friends from church, and of course, 30 minutes later the attending showed up.
      The finally gave him results on the MRI. They don’t think it was a stroke, but it may be a clot in the brain (which could have burst and been an Aneurysm or a big stroke). Hopefully the leg thing is reversible and hopefully they caught the clot in time to dissolve it and prevent damage.
      Tomorrow he’ll have physical therapy with a specialist to assess the physical work, but we already know we HAVE to get walking and exercising more. Hopefully, they’ll release him to come home. I almost wish he could stay until the clot is gone, but I miss him. I miss him so much. I can’t imagine another day without him, let lone an instant of this life if he were gone.
      I know, we’re in our mid-thirties and mid-forties now, and we’re not spring chickens and we’ve never been super health-conscious. But I guess that’s got to change, doesn’t it?
      I’m so scared.
      I don’t think I’ve prayed so much, so hard since April of 2012, when he had his heart attack.
      He better be okay, that jerkben.

//Updated: He returned home on Tuesday and is really doing great. He’s not 100% yet, but with lots of work and prayer, we they think he will be!\\

Signed, Josie
Note: Image is “Hearts in Love” by (nellart) from

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