This post may seem as if it is just another meme, but it really is not. About a year ago, I posted on Facebook that I was having an existential crisis (again) as I tried to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
As you can tell by several recent posts here, I still have not uncovered my calling or at least I have not made any steps toward deciding and doing something about it. But what I did do was see that list of questions to ponder and start pondering them…
- Name the top 3 peak experiences in your life. What do they have in common? What does this tell you about yourself?
- What did you dream of becoming when you were a kid?
- What are your strengths and values?
- If money weren’t a problem, what would you spend your every day doing?
- What would you be doing if you knew you couldn’t fail?
- What’s your favorite way to spend your free time?
- What have you done in your life that you are especially proud of?
- What activity are you doing when it feels like time just flies by?
- When do you feel the most alive?
- What kind of impact do you want to have?
- What kind of professional and personal breakthroughs do you want to experience?
- What are things (a language, a sport) you want to learn?
- How do you envision you will leave your goal or legacy on people’s lives?
- What are you excited, happy, and enjoying most in your life right now?
Gaming. I had so much fun with the 2/20 session of Mark’s Worldwound game. It was our fortieth session. FORTY sessions. And it was a 12 hour bonanza. I love it.
Otherwise, depressing as it is… I don’t know.
Peak experiences. My happiest moments? Or the moments when I was at the peak of my career? If it is the latter, excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA because, what career? And if its the former… I don’t know how to answer this, exactly. But most of my happiest moments have been generically spending time with someone I love (Mark, Tim, Mom, Abbie, Emily, Venna, and so forth) doing something I love (gaming, video games, writing, watching movies). I fail to see a way to monetize this – though I guess PewDiePie (is that spelled right?) and others found a way.
I know I once dreamt of being a veterinarian. And something science-y, like astronaut or medical researcher. Then I realized how much I love writing and I wanted to be a teacher so I’d have summers off to write. How naive I was about the teaching profession, back then.
I am punctual. As fuck.
I value honesty and transparency. I perform best when expectations are clear and goals are concrete. I don’t like shifting goals/expectations in my work life. I will work until my eyes bleed for something, as long as my contributions are valued. When I feel like my hard work doesn’t matter, I tend to fuck off about it.
I avoid drama like the plague and will never be the one on the team starting it or stirring it. I am a good listener and a great problem solver/research-doer. I am great with words, but not with people (generally speaking). I take responsibility for my actions.
All day, every day… Honestly, I am so lame. But if I could afford to pay my bills, I would game every day. Pathfinder for life. Also, when there was downtime, I would write. And play video games. But write. Write. WRITE.
…parachuting? Base jumping? Something dangerous.
With Mark. Whatever we do, but together. Writing. Reading. Movies. Gaming.
Writing. Reading. Gaming.
…I’m just grateful to BE alive, most of the time.
I want to help break people’s mindsets in regard to race and gender and sexuality. I want to make one person weep the way I wept when I finished Les Miserables, to touch someone and make them feel and maybe inspire them to put their thoughts to paper too.
…just money. I just want money from my professional life so I can finance my fantasy life.
I want to learn Spanish, Japanese, Korean. I want to learn to knit or crochet.
…I just want people to remember me, at all. That I made them laugh or smile. That I meant something to someone, anywhere.
This cleared up nothing for me and sort of made me depressed, to be honest. I only come up with wanting to write novels and then get frustrated when I realize how rare and difficult it is to make a living doing that (unless you’re willing to forgo quality/meaning and jump pump out pornographic dreck… which if you are, more power to you, but that’s not what I want).
What do I want to be when I grow up?
A simple woman, with a simple life, writing deep epic fantasy fiction… Is that so much to ask?
…I also want to be a mom.
Note: Image is “ID#1236275” by (Benito LaGrande) from SXC.hu