Pensive Moments

      This post may seem as if it is just another meme, but it really is not. About a year ago, I posted on Facebook that I was having an existential crisis (again) as I tried to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
      As you can tell by several recent posts here, I still have not uncovered my calling or at least I have not made any steps toward deciding and doing something about it. But what I did do was see that list of questions to ponder and start pondering them…

  • Name the top 3 peak experiences in your life. What do they have in common? What does this tell you about yourself?
  •       Peak experiences. My happiest moments? Or the moments when I was at the peak of my career? If it is the latter, excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA because, what career? And if its the former… I don’t know how to answer this, exactly. But most of my happiest moments have been generically spending time with someone I love (Mark, Tim, Mom, Abbie, Emily, Venna, and so forth) doing something I love (gaming, video games, writing, watching movies). I fail to see a way to monetize this – though I guess PewDiePie (is that spelled right?) and others found a way.

  • What did you dream of becoming when you were a kid?
  •       I know I once dreamt of being a veterinarian. And something science-y, like astronaut or medical researcher. Then I realized how much I love writing and I wanted to be a teacher so I’d have summers off to write. How naive I was about the teaching profession, back then.

  • What are your strengths and values?
  •       I am punctual. As fuck.
          I value honesty and transparency. I perform best when expectations are clear and goals are concrete. I don’t like shifting goals/expectations in my work life. I will work until my eyes bleed for something, as long as my contributions are valued. When I feel like my hard work doesn’t matter, I tend to fuck off about it.
          I avoid drama like the plague and will never be the one on the team starting it or stirring it. I am a good listener and a great problem solver/research-doer. I am great with words, but not with people (generally speaking). I take responsibility for my actions.

  • If money weren’t a problem, what would you spend your every day doing?
  •       All day, every day… Honestly, I am so lame. But if I could afford to pay my bills, I would game every day. Pathfinder for life. Also, when there was downtime, I would write. And play video games. But write. Write. WRITE.

  • What would you be doing if you knew you couldn’t fail?
  •       …parachuting? Base jumping? Something dangerous.

  • What’s your favorite way to spend your free time?
  •       With Mark. Whatever we do, but together. Writing. Reading. Movies. Gaming.

  • What have you done in your life that you are especially proud of?
  •       …writing novels?

  • What activity are you doing when it feels like time just flies by?
  •       Writing. Reading. Gaming.

  • When do you feel the most alive?
  •       …I’m just grateful to BE alive, most of the time.

  • What kind of impact do you want to have?
  •       I want to help break people’s mindsets in regard to race and gender and sexuality. I want to make one person weep the way I wept when I finished Les Miserables, to touch someone and make them feel and maybe inspire them to put their thoughts to paper too.

  • What kind of professional and personal breakthroughs do you want to experience?
  •       …just money. I just want money from my professional life so I can finance my fantasy life.

  • What are things (a language, a sport) you want to learn?
  •       I want to learn Spanish, Japanese, Korean. I want to learn to knit or crochet.

  • How do you envision you will leave your goal or legacy on people’s lives?
  •       …I just want people to remember me, at all. That I made them laugh or smile. That I meant something to someone, anywhere.

  • What are you excited, happy, and enjoying most in your life right now?
          Gaming. I had so much fun with the 2/20 session of Mark’s Worldwound game. It was our fortieth session. FORTY sessions. And it was a 12 hour bonanza. I love it.
          Otherwise, depressing as it is… I don’t know.

      This cleared up nothing for me and sort of made me depressed, to be honest. I only come up with wanting to write novels and then get frustrated when I realize how rare and difficult it is to make a living doing that (unless you’re willing to forgo quality/meaning and jump pump out pornographic dreck… which if you are, more power to you, but that’s not what I want).
      What do I want to be when I grow up?
      A simple woman, with a simple life, writing deep epic fantasy fiction… Is that so much to ask?
      …I also want to be a mom.

Signed, Josie
Note: Image is “ID#1236275” by (Benito LaGrande) from

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