Lately, I’ve been tired.
The kind of tired that does not seem to abate with 10 hours of sleep (split of course, because that’s the only way I seem to be able to get it lately).
The kind of tired that leaves me yawning and wanting to doze off from midnight until I get off at 7am.
The kind of tired that means I’ve been doing bad stuff again.
…not drinking enough.
This is sad, because I literally had surgery to help fix myself and still, 6 months later, I’m struggling with simple, basic choices.
And I’m tired of that too.
I’m tired of worrying about money.
I’m tired of worrying about if I’ll offend a friend for saying something.
I’m tired of worrying about my teeth.
I’m tired of wanting to write but wasting time doing other things.
I’m tired of planning for the future but failing to live now.
I’m tired of dreams that can’t come true and truth that can’t be dreamed.
Okay – now I’m slipping off the deep end and making no sense. But who cares? The point is – I’m the kind of tired that isn’t just ‘sleepy’. It is more like… depression. I hesitate to use that word because is it so heavily coded in modern society. I don’t need drugs. I don’t need a shrink. I am not “clinically depressed” but right now, well outside the normal SAD-zone, I am feeling depressed.
How can I be depressed when I’m going to Vegas next week to meet my sweet little niece?
How can I be depressed when I’m planning a trip to E-burg for Christmas?
When I’ve got Venna sleeping at my feet?
When I’ve got Mark waiting for me to get off work and come wake up him from his sleep with my cold feet on his calves?
When I’ve got a living mother who loves me, and memories of a father who doted upon his girls?
When I’ve got a roof over my head and clean water to drink?
When I’ve got a keyboard to type this blog on, money to pay the hosting bill, and steady internet connection to post it with?
It does not make sense, but then, many things don’t.
Today is a day to stand up and change the way I feel. Today is a day to reclaim the things that make me happy and reject the ones that stress me out. Today is a day to remember how lucky I am, how good I have it, and how much good there is in the world.
Right now, I’m tired.
But it won’t last.
And when I pull myself out of the funk, the words will return. The smiles will return. And LIFE will return.
And the cycle continues.
Note: Image is “??” by (???) from SXC.hu