I want to live forever.
      I never want to die.
      Sometimes, it does feel futile, frustrating, scary, hopeless. Life, that is. Sometimes, it seems like just curling up and dying would be a better solution than struggling through every single day. Worrying constantly about money and rent and debt. Worrying constantly that every twinge or tweak or pain means you’re about to die. Indulging in the few luxuries (almost always food) you can afford because there isn’t enough to save for anything ‘major’ anyway.
      Worry, worry, worry.
      It can be really hard to enjoy life when you spend every waking moment afraid that you are about to die.
      Afraid that you have abused your body to such a point that it will fail you any moment now.
      Terrified that no matter how many good days you have, those few slips will end in heart attack or diabetic coma or you know, death.
      I want to be immortal.
      I want to live healthy to see my children born and grown.
      To see their children.
      To see the first man on Mars and maybe the first interstellar mission.
      To look down on Earth from orbit.
      To publish a novel.
      To love my husband.
      To play with my puppy.
      To hug my loved ones.
      To see what happens on Capaldi’s season of Doctor Who.
      But really – so much of my future revolves around getting healthy, so why is it so hard? Why am I so scared all the time? Why?
      …if I die tomorrow, I’ll have left a lot undone.
      I want to live forever.

Signed, Josie
Note: Image is “Blue geometric ornament” by (boroda003) from

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